Remembering Joshua Martin.

Trigger Warning: Suicide

Yesterday morning I woke up safely in my own bed around 8:00am. I had a killer headache and still felt a little drunk. As I filtered through countless missed calls and texts, the next thing I saw sobered me the fuck up.

Josh and I met for the first time in college during my first year. He was a prospective student and my friend was hosting him. We were all friendly towards him and tried our very best to answer his questions, in our own naiveness of course. After all, we were just first years. While my friends and I wanted to go adventure with the other prospective students that they were hosting, Josh just wanted to chill. We ordered him some food because if you knew him he had a huge appetite. He didn't mind staying behind when we wanted to go see deer at the Arts Campus (I know, so weird, but we were city kids and never really saw deer before lol). He put on some anime and laid back so we said "see you later."

Over the next few months Josh and I continued conversations on social media. One thing he definitely loved to do was debate and I definitely did too. We discussed topics that I no longer can list due to the vast diversity of our intellectual craves. If you actually look at our conversations on Facebook, it may seem as if we really didn't like each other. Josh had such a unique view and of course, I felt like a know-it-all. What I didn't expect was what I learned through my friendship with him in the coming years.

Exhibit A of what I meant when I said our messages would probably make others think we were not friends. We were always joking though.

Josh actually attended Hobart and William Smith Colleges during my Sophomore year, since he was a year younger than I. I would often see him around since our small liberal arts school could be toured in probably half hour. People of color were also a scarcity, so it made us stick together. Countless nights we've sat in the Intercultural Affairs House (a safe haven for us folk in a predominantly white institution) debating current events surrounding immigration, police brutality, and sometimes even our own lives.

Josh sent me a picture of two of Junot Diaz' books he copped: Drown and This is How You Lose Her.

During this time, he started reading a book called Drown by Junot Diaz, a famous Dominican author. Our conversations began to center around his will to learn about the culture since I'm from Dominican Republic. Through these conversations he learned about my role in the Latin American Organization, I was treasurer and program coordinator at the time so I advertised a lot. He inquired one day and became an LAO regular. He attended all of our weekly discussion meetings and it was truly a rarity if he didn't show face. As we began to have events, he was one of the first to buy his ticket.

Josh asked me about our meetings before we even advertised. He was truly dedicated and proactive. Eager is also appropriate.

Soon after, I moved into our new Global Perspective theme house with Chris, a Posse scholar. Josh and Chris could be described as best friends by anyone looking in. I started to spend time with Josh daily as he spent his days and nights in my living room. This is when I started to consider him part of my daily routine. I would wake up to go to class, go to work for a few hours, eat, do some homework, and expect Josh to come over to GP at any hour. He would actually rely on me to open the door since I was always home.

This became a daily message. Homeboy might as well have lived there with us lol.

Josh, Chris, and I became a trio as we did homework together. Well, more like Josh and I would do homework and spent our time trying to get Chris to do the same as he spent so much time showing us funny videos lol. We spent so many hours together in our living room trying to motivate each other and sometimes, being a bit too distracting. Most of the time, we stayed up entirely too late laughing at something one of us said or did. Now, I think we should have stayed up later fostering this positive energy we all had with each other.

Guatemala was one of our constant topics as we both wanted to go together. Unfortunately he was unable to go and still wished me luck as I went on this journey.

Even after I moved to a new house he still had a presence, even from abroad in an unfamiliar continent -- something he dreamed of doing for years. I followed his journey through social media, just like old times. Well, without as much arguing lol. I was happy for him and I think he was happy for himself too. When he returned, it was as if nothing changed. Still debating and still tryna dismantle the system. We were struggling together and we felt comfort in that, I think. Soon after, I graduated and began my new journey in NYC. This year, he graduated too.

Just like everyone else I know who knew him, I'm shocked and heartbroken. I shed so many tears as I read the posts people made on his Facebook page. He is truly a beloved to so many and I was wondering if he knew that. Did we show him throughout his conscious moments?

The day before I found out about his passing, I published my first blog post about mental health and suicide. I was so angry about the stigma against mental health and the lack of research surrounding suicide. I was triggered by the never-ending news of people dying by suicide. People I didn't even know. But, I felt for them so much. I felt a sense of urgency as I typed and released all of my anger into the screen. I wanted better for all those who died by suicide and I wish I was there to help. What really hit me the most in all actuality was that I was working on releasing my first blog post at the same time he faced his fatal struggle.

I wish I would've known. I wish he would've reached out to me. I wish I was a better friend.

While we mustn't blame ourselves, we should think more critically about ourselves and the energy we give out to others. We should challenge our institutions and systems to do better. While we mustn't blame ourselves, we should think more critically about ourselves and the energy we give out to others. We should challenge our institutions and systems to do better.

While we mustn't blame ourselves, we should think more critically about ourselves and the energy we give out to others. We should challenge our institutions and systems to do better. We need to be better friends, peers, relatives, and people all around. We need to fight the fight continuously and tirelessly. We need to have these conversations.

So, now what?

As we all sit in this uncertainty the first thing we need to do is take the time to really grieve. The universe has lost the physical presence of someone so uniquely amazing and it's being felt as we continue to see how he touched so many as a beloved.

The second thing we need to do is reach out. We are not in this alone. Spend time sharing the funnies and the "a bit more serious" conversations surrounding this beautiful soul. If you know his family, check up on them. The world came crashing down on so many and it's important to be there for those who are especially affected. In addition, we need to recognize the risk for survivors and provide the resources when needed.

Realize that it's okay to feel mixed emotions as we struggle to understand, why? Sorting through complex emotions including anger, sadness, regret, and abandonment is difficult -- find comfort in positive memories. We may never know why, but we do know how and it's important to learn from this hardship. Find comfort in what you know as Josh is a beloved.

Please, please, please seek support. Be there for others. Be patient as you go through the motions. Stay present and take each moment as it comes. Express yourself. Allow yourself to have fun. Reestablish a routine. Take care of yourself.

If you or others are experiencing suicidal thoughts please contact The National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255, available 24/7. Don't be afraid of seeking professional support for grief counseling. Reach out to me when needed, I'm also here.

I've created a GoFundMe in his memory, where all funds will be donated to his mother. Anything helps in this difficult time. Also, check out Joshua Martin's Memorial Fund, on the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention's website, "the leading national not-for-profit organization exclusively dedicated to understanding and preventing suicide through research, education and advocacy, and to reaching out to people with mental disorders and those impacted by suicide."

Peace and love,

Rest in Power Joshua Martin.